My blog is exposed!!!!
One of my coursemate told me that she read my blog. 0.0 NOT.GOOD.!!!
Luckily she is a Malaysian so maybe not that bad. But still! I have never thought of letting anybody around Uni know about my blog!!
Then how?! Should I lock up my blog? I don't feel like doing so because I don't mind anybody hoping in and out of my blog once in a while. But this is the only place left I rely on to pour my stories and I really don't mind any of my friends to read my blog. Macam mana la?!
I always thought assignment is good because it help lighten the burden of having 100% exam based but why can't I just concentrate on doing it? I'm still feeling distracted quite badly especially during the night time.
I have not walk out of it yet but I have been smiling, to everybody and myself. :)
Growing up is not fun.
Countdown to the ultimatum: 30days
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
30 days to Love
Exactly one month left!!!
Papa was telling me, "actually ah, you go there not very long only what. 4 months plus only mah. Who study overseas will go back so often one?" AIYOR. 4 MONTHS ALSO VERY LONG OKAY!
I WANT TO KISS MALAYSIA LAND,
Malaysia Air,
Malaysia Sun,
My Papa Mummy Tingting Shenshen and Beibei!!
The most important one is of course buying food AS I LIKE. Walao! In Malaysia unless its some super high class meal where I definitely can't afford, if not I would definitely buy already! Over here, its like a piece of doughnut, a piece of pie, cost $3-4 also I cannot buy cause it would be at least RM10 after convert. I'm super fine with windows shopping. but window food?! Its a big torture. It's like i see someone selling jagung on the street also I can only quietly walk pass it... SHO SHADD....
Things at home: I miss my car my bed my attached toilet which can be as luxury as my bedroom my 42" lcd tv my motorbike my TORTOISES my garden my piano my proper kitchen my every single thing at home.
I just miss my life in Malaysia. Don't know what else to say, so yeah, I'm super looking forward to go back home. :) Hopefully my father won't drag me to work and I need to quarrel with him over that again, I don't want to get dragged and whacked to wake up for work. IT'S HOLIDAY! Oh ya, and not to forget I get to take leave from washing my own cloths too.^^ YES I KNOW I'M PAMPERED. Bluek!
There is also something which I told myself that I MUST change after I reach home. MY BADLY POLLUTED MANGLISH BY SINGLISH!!! Ohmygosh, everybody, please correct me everytime you feel like "why her slang so weird one arr". Please please! If not my english will be totally Singlish already. haha but anyway, I've finally passed the having problems with Singaporeans part because they really treated me very nice and care for me a lot. I don't want to kutuk my friends like that. But I'll stay myself away from some Singaporean typically attitude which I don't know how to describe, plus the fact that they hate Malaysia so much, SIGH. Malaysia will NEVER have a war with them larrrrr...
Interestingly I also found out something, they said "Singaporean guys like to date Malaysia girls because they're more homely and more lovely. Malaysian girls like to date Singaporeans guys because Singaporean guys more charming,(he was saying they more kiasu so they will be more successful something like that)" ERRR I agree with Malaysia girls very lovely and homely well of course we are. :) but then, wow at least my daddy is charming enough as a Malaysia man! hahaha
Oh and I wonder what will the high school bunch gonna do too~! Not to forget, the not confirmed but hopefully will be confirmed BBQ party with Switzerland Twinkle Star!!!
Dear home, I'm coming back. I miss you, you, you, you, you, you................................
Papa was telling me, "actually ah, you go there not very long only what. 4 months plus only mah. Who study overseas will go back so often one?" AIYOR. 4 MONTHS ALSO VERY LONG OKAY!
I WANT TO KISS MALAYSIA LAND,
Malaysia Air,
Malaysia Sun,
My Papa Mummy Tingting Shenshen and Beibei!!
The most important one is of course buying food AS I LIKE. Walao! In Malaysia unless its some super high class meal where I definitely can't afford, if not I would definitely buy already! Over here, its like a piece of doughnut, a piece of pie, cost $3-4 also I cannot buy cause it would be at least RM10 after convert. I'm super fine with windows shopping. but window food?! Its a big torture. It's like i see someone selling jagung on the street also I can only quietly walk pass it... SHO SHADD....
Things at home: I miss my car my bed my attached toilet which can be as luxury as my bedroom my 42" lcd tv my motorbike my TORTOISES my garden my piano my proper kitchen my every single thing at home.
I just miss my life in Malaysia. Don't know what else to say, so yeah, I'm super looking forward to go back home. :) Hopefully my father won't drag me to work and I need to quarrel with him over that again, I don't want to get dragged and whacked to wake up for work. IT'S HOLIDAY! Oh ya, and not to forget I get to take leave from washing my own cloths too.^^ YES I KNOW I'M PAMPERED. Bluek!
There is also something which I told myself that I MUST change after I reach home. MY BADLY POLLUTED MANGLISH BY SINGLISH!!! Ohmygosh, everybody, please correct me everytime you feel like "why her slang so weird one arr". Please please! If not my english will be totally Singlish already. haha but anyway, I've finally passed the having problems with Singaporeans part because they really treated me very nice and care for me a lot. I don't want to kutuk my friends like that. But I'll stay myself away from some Singaporean typically attitude which I don't know how to describe, plus the fact that they hate Malaysia so much, SIGH. Malaysia will NEVER have a war with them larrrrr...
Interestingly I also found out something, they said "Singaporean guys like to date Malaysia girls because they're more homely and more lovely. Malaysian girls like to date Singaporeans guys because Singaporean guys more charming,(he was saying they more kiasu so they will be more successful something like that)" ERRR I agree with Malaysia girls very lovely and homely well of course we are. :) but then, wow at least my daddy is charming enough as a Malaysia man! hahaha
Oh and I wonder what will the high school bunch gonna do too~! Not to forget, the not confirmed but hopefully will be confirmed BBQ party with Switzerland Twinkle Star!!!
Dear home, I'm coming back. I miss you, you, you, you, you, you................................
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Depression
I finally realise, I have not been happy for a while.
I've been trying to suit myself just for the only relationship I had in the past. The feeling of disappointment, stress and questioning myself almost everyday when he still wasn't satisfied with me. Why am I treating myself this way? Why am I losing myself for a guy? I kept telling myself, it's time to love myself more, just give in until the maximum I can do it. but, whenever I'm halfway caught in the relationship, why am I not thinking of that? loving myself more? What I thought was, "no, he is not happy, I have to stop this" I am really not happy but I try my best to fake a smile almost everyday. I don't get comforts, and I get more complaints and scoldings and teasings. Although I knew don't-know-how-long-ago that who cares if I place him as the most important person in life after family. because even if he knows it, when I said I'm sad, all I get are sentences thats just telling me "dai sei, who ask you love me so much?" According to him, I deserve all these. So what am I doing now?
All kinds of things we experience in life, I'm sure it will affect our emotions. When we're emotionally affected, daily life affected, RIGHT? My studies is being affected quite badly, and now I'm really dying. he said: "I'm not like you, who ask you get affected so easily? It's not my fault that you can't study, because you don't know how to weigh your own priorities in life" Ok, so whatever problems I face, if I ever sound it to someone I trusted the most in life, this is what I get, I get more depression.
I REALLY NEED HELP. but whoever that can help me, after I tell how depressed am I, how can they help? It is still up to me in the end. I'm grateful, because everyone around me are offering themselves to help me get through it. Thank you.
I'm feeling very pressured. The fact that if I fail any units, it means I failed the whole year and I will have to waste another RM100k provided papa allow me to do so. Being below average for EVERY SINGLE TEST, EVERY SINGLE ASSIGNMENT is something abnormal to me. I don't mind being the last, but I have to be at least among average. Everyone around me are so good, and it made me feel very stupid, that I'm just plain spoiled brat that because my father can afford to support me for overseas studies that I'm here. Who am I if I'm only given a chance to study local?
I'm weird. So what? but I really can't study in a pressuring environment. I feel very, very pressured. and the more I feel pressure, the more I can't take it. I just can't study. Everytime when I tell myself, this time I'm going to be good. Turns out, I'm just a person below average as usual.
I may not be in total depression, because everytime I see my friends I never fail to smile and I still behave normally. Meanwhile, there will be some weird feeling, someone squeezing my heart. Weird? Yes I'm weird as usual haha. but everytime I talk to him, why am I feeling so pressured as usual? The feeling that I'll get teased and told that I've always been a fool and dramatic because I love to control one's life. Seriously need more determination to cut off everything, forget about hoping for a change. Because of him, I've always been told that I'm not someone worth loving and no one will ever understand how degraded I felt.
I hope I'm not in real depression but I feel that my life is not right, as in emotionally.
I cry when I see how caring and loving other couples can be,
I cry when I think of how hard my dad worked hard for the family that I really want to prove him my results, because he will feel that all his hard work paid off,
I cry when I have the thought that if I fail, how sad will he be, yet continue supporting me in life,
I cry when my mum love me so much yet she has to go through such torture for so many times,
I cry everytime I imagine how happy will my brother and sisters be when they see me,
I cry when I know I'm needed in my family and only my family, not him,
I cry when I realise how much effort I wasted and the tease I get in the end........
I don't see sunshine. am I very far away? Why is everything negative in my mind? What should I do?
Shuang doesn't like to be lonely......
I've been trying to suit myself just for the only relationship I had in the past. The feeling of disappointment, stress and questioning myself almost everyday when he still wasn't satisfied with me. Why am I treating myself this way? Why am I losing myself for a guy? I kept telling myself, it's time to love myself more, just give in until the maximum I can do it. but, whenever I'm halfway caught in the relationship, why am I not thinking of that? loving myself more? What I thought was, "no, he is not happy, I have to stop this" I am really not happy but I try my best to fake a smile almost everyday. I don't get comforts, and I get more complaints and scoldings and teasings. Although I knew don't-know-how-long-ago that who cares if I place him as the most important person in life after family. because even if he knows it, when I said I'm sad, all I get are sentences thats just telling me "dai sei, who ask you love me so much?" According to him, I deserve all these. So what am I doing now?
All kinds of things we experience in life, I'm sure it will affect our emotions. When we're emotionally affected, daily life affected, RIGHT? My studies is being affected quite badly, and now I'm really dying. he said: "I'm not like you, who ask you get affected so easily? It's not my fault that you can't study, because you don't know how to weigh your own priorities in life" Ok, so whatever problems I face, if I ever sound it to someone I trusted the most in life, this is what I get, I get more depression.
I REALLY NEED HELP. but whoever that can help me, after I tell how depressed am I, how can they help? It is still up to me in the end. I'm grateful, because everyone around me are offering themselves to help me get through it. Thank you.
I'm feeling very pressured. The fact that if I fail any units, it means I failed the whole year and I will have to waste another RM100k provided papa allow me to do so. Being below average for EVERY SINGLE TEST, EVERY SINGLE ASSIGNMENT is something abnormal to me. I don't mind being the last, but I have to be at least among average. Everyone around me are so good, and it made me feel very stupid, that I'm just plain spoiled brat that because my father can afford to support me for overseas studies that I'm here. Who am I if I'm only given a chance to study local?
I'm weird. So what? but I really can't study in a pressuring environment. I feel very, very pressured. and the more I feel pressure, the more I can't take it. I just can't study. Everytime when I tell myself, this time I'm going to be good. Turns out, I'm just a person below average as usual.
I may not be in total depression, because everytime I see my friends I never fail to smile and I still behave normally. Meanwhile, there will be some weird feeling, someone squeezing my heart. Weird? Yes I'm weird as usual haha. but everytime I talk to him, why am I feeling so pressured as usual? The feeling that I'll get teased and told that I've always been a fool and dramatic because I love to control one's life. Seriously need more determination to cut off everything, forget about hoping for a change. Because of him, I've always been told that I'm not someone worth loving and no one will ever understand how degraded I felt.
I hope I'm not in real depression but I feel that my life is not right, as in emotionally.
I cry when I see how caring and loving other couples can be,
I cry when I think of how hard my dad worked hard for the family that I really want to prove him my results, because he will feel that all his hard work paid off,
I cry when I have the thought that if I fail, how sad will he be, yet continue supporting me in life,
I cry when my mum love me so much yet she has to go through such torture for so many times,
I cry everytime I imagine how happy will my brother and sisters be when they see me,
I cry when I know I'm needed in my family and only my family, not him,
I cry when I realise how much effort I wasted and the tease I get in the end........
I don't see sunshine. am I very far away? Why is everything negative in my mind? What should I do?
Shuang doesn't like to be lonely......
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)