Is this the maximum it can go?

I have worked so hard to build up my confidence day by day.

I would say, this is the year where I faced the most thing, and that I have to overcome it with all my determination, patience, brave-ness. Whenever I am down, my family and friends are the first to be there for me and tell me I am not stupid or useless. I guess I can prove to them that what they say are wrong.
Maybe, I really did not work hard enough to kill Mr. Stupid? But why? Why is it when I already put effort to avoid things that I don't want to happen I just can't do it?

Yesterday was Maths paper, today was worse. I hit a car, AGAIN. This would definitely be the worse accident I've ever met. Although the uncle's car doesn't seem to have serious damage, but my car do. That is not the main point. It's just, why am I so careless??
Stupid! Useless! Hopeless!
I was lucky that I met an uncle who did not want to exploit all my money and he said would give me his bill after his service. I am lucky that he talked to me kindly.
At the end of the discussion, the auntie even asked me to go church for not being a Christian. [swt. funny haha]

I couldn't describe how much I hate myself now, because dying is definitely not a way to solve problem. I really feel like I made everyone around me disappointed. Ahh give me a way to disappear. If not, teach me how to chase Mr. Careless away from my life. Please, I really want to be more careful...

I guess it will be tough to gain trust towards myself after this.
Dear Time, please prove me wrong in the shortest way you can do it. Or not, I don't want risking getting into this career anymore.

Sorry, to everyone who cares for me. I disappoint everyone again.
I am definitely stupid and useless.

Why am I not smart enough?

Today, is a GREAT day.

First time in my life, I broke my record in such way, which is totally not a good thing.

Getting out of the exam hall, walking hopelessly with my still-shaking hands and high rate of heart beat holding my Taylor's 2008 CAL Magazine. At first, like Betsy, I was upset to the point where I was emotionless. Later on, I couldn't control anymore. Dissapointed, is the only word.

Mathematics paper have never been a big worry for me since young. It even made me tell myself, no matter what accountant is going to be my future job.

I love numbers.
I love calculation.
I love maths reasonable critical thinking. The feeling of getting the answer correct after long time of thinking always feel the best.
I love my calculator.
SO WHAT!

Cambridge is the most cruel examination board. Most of us have gotten our conditional offer and they are aware of how much university meant for us. Why must they make it so tough for most of us?

Back to the same old reason, I am not-smart-enough compared to other people. When it comes to critical thinking, I did my best. So what. Just see what is my results for Thinking Skills, ISAT, and now maths. I would say I did my best but it meant nothing when I have no choice but to compare with other people around me. I did work hard for papers I can't do, but there is just no way I can prove it. There it goes, I am not good.

The joys on my daddy and momi's face makes me the happiest girl in the world when I got good results. However, I let them down more than I make them feel proud. Why can't I do better?

This is definitely going to be the worse paper in my life(it better be). It is too late to say anything. This is supposed to be the last maths paper in my life but it didn't end well. I really want to think better. Please, don't let me doubt myself again. It is always hard to build up confidence. I don't want to regret choosing this career.

Please, let me do well, perfom well, live well for my future.

To all my friends: Maths paper is a past. Let's do well on other papers and make miracles!